The Slow Build

passion

What I want is what's not often prescribed in the world of love today.
The patient, slow intensely building passion that comes from holding back in small measures, restraining our desire to rush forward in the heat of lust into the body of another for just a little while longer so that we can build that upon itself over & over until we fit more perfectly, if that's possible.  

We don't yet know each other and yet somehow our chemistry is talking to one another on a biological level that gives us the idea that we do know each other, despite the temptation of strangers making bedfellows.

This is not today's pace; today's pace of love which is really more lust is about HERE, NOW, do it!! Let's get it over with & build on that.  Even if it turns out that we may not be compatible after all & eventually, maybe even quickly, part. This isn't what I want though, I don't want to part but stay, together long enough to build real bonds. Not just temporary notions of chemical connection that so brilliantly fool the mind. Something stronger. 

The pace of love imbued with lust in a rock solid fashion that holds like a mast in a storm.  This is what I want.

12/22/15©DM.

The War in Your Mind~

There's a battle being raged, right at home. 
A war of notions, bent & twisted, frantic fears.
Coursing rapidly through your mind as you go about your day. 

It's only in the quiet of the night and moments in between bursts of excitement, grand energetic output tying up the ministrations of our day, where we can hear it in full bloom.
The noise of worry. 

Our brain tortures us, poisoned by the well of human existence, time, fear, history & information; full of chaos & love. Ugliness & war. Want & need.
Cascading down in a torrent until we are drowning in our own imagination. 

We process everything, every night as if somehow that's going to resolve, anything. When it does not. 

Modern life has left our souls tired from so much. 
We are kept at a pace our poor minds cannot keep up with and thus at the end of the day, we cycle through our entire lives, all at once. Wearing us thin in the process. Breaking our souls.

As a result, building a person full of fear & hopelessness because our brains, on their own journey, disembodied from the self at times, thinks it can filter & sift through all of life, all at once and find the answers alone. 

It cannot. 

Washed in fear, scared of life's harsher realities at times...there isn't much we can do but embrace life’s sweeter things in it's fullest fashion in this moment, as it stands. 

Learning to ignore these obsessive & worried thoughts here and there can give us the gift of sleep we so desperately need so we can start the next day clean, calm & refreshed in the hopes of something better, less painful and blooming with joy instead. At the very least, not be riddled & worn with fear. 

Give yourself permission to let go of those thoughts, to stop trying to fix everything in your mind. Because literally, you cannot. Repeat that when necessary. 

Just remember to live hard, live in the now.
Fully embracing one's life, is all you can do.
Love yourself deeply, love others when you can. 
And keep breathing through the pain. 

The Soul of Love~

From a space that lives within me, you exist. 
A soft budding notion that never dies for very long. 
A warm, full feeling of passion & home, safe yet exciting. 
When the land is ripe & the sky is open, I feed you and you grow from within.
Springing from the ground with joy & heat, you fill my soul with a broadness, a love and passion that takes up all the space in my body.

But when the earth is dried & scorched, burnt from the pain of the sun, shining so bright it muddies the mind, confusion sets in and I forget to feel, I forget how to grow within & love.

When my heart goes quiet & falls into the background with all the other unbegotten desires, in a world full of so much noise it cannot hear itself beat, the sky grows full of gray soaked clouds desperate to burst yet hold themselves back, the earth goes dead.

 
The very presence of you begins to dry up & disappears; Going into ground.
Perhaps it is good thing, because then I can stop wanting, pining so deeply I ache. I can stop thinking about the constant hunger in my soul for you.

Some plants do exist with very little moisture. Yet they are rare species. This is not something I want to be, rare. Unless I can find the perfect pairing of earth & water so I can help you come into form.
A special union that only exists in the most precious of moments when sky opens up to welcome the sun. Then maybe I'll be that rare, waiting patiently.

After some time, waiting, forgetting this feeling exists, forgetting all about you so deftly, something happens that feeds the seedling buried deep in the ground, waiting for light.
Knocking it from it's underground slumber it moves ever so slightly, sending tiny shivers & waves of vibrations into the center of my body. I feel you again. 
Some small reminder falls into my mind, my soul and opens the hull around the seed and lets expansion begin, again.
Some note, a sound evokes movement deep within, reminding me I am soft in the middle. Especially with you nearby. I am even softer. 

So I'll sit patiently waiting, growing & pining for the right amount of moisture to occur, raining down upon me, my insides to hasten the growth of this seed, this notion and bring you into form. 

5/3/22©DM

Also...

Link below for a lovely romantic poem by: 

Pablo Neruda-

The Darkness Knows Your Name

Once you have been to the darkest part of yourself, the darkest part of the night, the darkness knows your name.  It's as if it remembers your smell, your shape & seeks out your company forever more.  It thinks you belong in the dark, for it is a hungry space that is constantly filled over & over with the emptiness we feel. It feeds on our pain.

It is a shadow that beckons us in the coldest of moments. Even in between the moments of joy, it can howl your name. Make you wonder if you are hearing things amidst the laughter & pleasure you savor. 

You suddenly feel it creep in without notice & find yourself looking around the room, the world to see what just changed even though nothing actually has. It's just you being summoned by your grief, by your sadness. By the darkness. 

When the energy of the day has waned & you crumble between the spaces of your life, between the fatigue in your back & the over extension of will to finish one more thing, accomplish one more thing, connect with one more person so you don't have to feel the solitude of your humanity, done with the day, the darkness creeps in uninvited. It knows you are there. 

In between the parts that feed you & the parts that bleed you, this is when the darkness sets in. It senses vulnerability & weakness, it senses you are alone & beaten by the day and creeps in, perhaps thinking it is a friend & will comfort you. Yet it does not.

It feels that fatigue & slithers in backwards so you don't see it coming. It beckons you once again. 

But it is an empty space that demands more & more no matter how much of your soul you give it. So it cannot continue if you are to. At some point, one must rise up & fight the darkness, even if it feels like it's teeth have already sunken in. Resist it. Keep walking away.

And this is what you know you must do if you are going to continue to survive this all encompassing darkness, this hollow space that sucks the very life out of your soul and dampens the will to soldier on...resist it. With every piece of rope & sinew in your body, turn your back on the shadow & tell it, 

'Not this time, thank you. I'm busy livin'.  

There may be a time when you can sit with the darkness, listen to what it's trying to tell you, it's secrets, it's pain. See if it holds a message that will grow your wings and use it for some deeper mystery to be solved. But tonight is not that night. 

Tonight you want to continue with the joy of the day, the potential for more & the hope that you can stave off the grief & worry, one more day. Tell the shadow to go find some other secret place to burrow itself into, instead of haunting you. 

5/3/©DM

Moving on is Hard

Leaving behind the past is like trying to leave a limb behind. Whether it be old friends who have fallen like leaves by the wayside of time, old ways of being that no longer fit with a new soul, old wounds & sorrows that haunt you. Forgoing a huge part of yourself because it seemingly no longer has an obvious use yet you're still attached to it, is a huge mountain to crawl over. It's like leaving an entire leg behind and then trying to run, you can't. But you know you must let go of things long past alive so you can live now, in the present instead of carrying around the wounds, heartaches and even fond memories of the past. The memories cling to you like the smell of smoke after walking through fire. 

You're forced to crawl away slowly, painfully leaving a bloody trail reminding you of what you left behind, a giant piece of yourself. All you've known. A huge part of who you were, is now gone. 

You're left to recreate the next part of your life, figuring out who you are now without the familiar weight of the past guiding you. If anything, it moors you, locking you into a long forgotten way of being that may or may not serve your life as you are now. The truth about starting over is that it's terrifyingly blank if you don't already have an idea of who you are & where you want to go. If you do then count yourself lucky.  If you really are starting over, then hang on for a bumpy ride.  

At first you constantly feel the past haunting you like a sad, hungry ghost with a deep need to be seen, as if the past never left.  Please remember me, please come back with me now, things were better then. Just like one might think they feel a lost leg that it's still there, but it's not. Neither is your past but in your own mind, boiling over & over as you process the losses, the pain & the remnants of lust, cooking your thoughts down to a mushy vague feeling so that you cannot think clearly.  Dulled by the constant pangs of sadness or guilt, or the yearnings no longer being satisfied. You are consumed by what was and the fear that it may never be again.

Because truthfully, you miss it. It may have hurt then or felt better but it was familiar, it existed. It was real. Now you're lost without this framework helping you figure out what happens next. Will it, things, love, pain, experience happen again? There is great uncertainty & thus, loss. Real solitude as you begin again. 

It's only after you've been crawling for awhile and get far enough away from your past that it starts to fade into the background. It becomes a thin phantom of a memory wisping about instead of an ever present ghost trying to relive things gone by.  Reminding you of failures, fears & passion that you feel slipping sadly, longingly into the background of your soul, out of reach.  But for a long while as you move through the present, you feel every bump in the road and that reminds you that you no longer have that leg, or the past.  That it's gone and all you can do is remember it, miss it and then grieve it's departure from your life. And that is a truly heart-wrenching passage to go through, like carrying around the weight of your own sadness. 

4/27/22©Dm. 

Borrowed Image: Tareck Raffoul